We can probably all agree that Ann Landers was a seriously disturbed bigot. She once advised a troubled teen that if he had ever wondered if he was gay he almost certainly was. This is obviously ridiculous advice. God knows how many people are living the gay lifestyle today because of that column. It would be wrong, however, to completely condemn her methodology. For example, if you have ever asked yourself the question “Am I a pussy?” – you almost certainly are.
Month: September 2014
Ten Signs of the Impending Apocalypse According to my Dad
10. Live Draft Coverage: “How the f%^k is it that there is live coverage of the NBA Draft? What is wrong with these people? You have to buy a ticket for this? Change the channel.” I don’t think that my Dad’s comments are limited to the NBA Draft. We just didn’t want to tell him that the NFL draft is televised as well.
9. Women with Tattoos: “Sweetheart, hang on, let me look at your arm. Have you thought about what this is going to look like at age 65? It’s not going to be good. What if you ever decide to get a real job?” The waitress in question was incredibly patient with him. I slipped her $40 to try to make it right.
8. Participation Medals: “Why do they have a ceremony for this? They could have given you that when you paid the league fee. Everybody is a winner until life slaps you right in the face. We are raising a generation of … I don’t even know what they are.”
7. Co-Ed Golf Events: “Why do they even want to play with the men? It’s no fun for anybody. And, if they want to play with the men, at least play from the same tees. Who set this up? I guarantee his wife runs the show.”
6. Piercings: “The only thing I can think of to justify putting that in his nose is that he is so pissed off at his parents that he can’t function. Look at it – bulls have things like that in their nose. I should go and yank it right out. He would thank me later.” He did not yank it out.
5. The Internet (part 1): “No I wasn’t aware I could order the pizza online. I just want to order a f$*king pizza. No wonder the internet is so slow.”
4. The Internet (part 2): “They want me to put my credit card information in the computer. Fuck that – I read the paper – I don’t want some jackass in the Middle East using my credit card to get his internet porn. I’m going up to Home Depot. You got any cash?”
3. Personal Communication Devices: “I just wanted to have a nice dinner with my grandkids. Look at all of you – every single one of you is looking at your phone. I hope for all of you that you never have to get a job where you need to talk to people. LOL isn’t a word. It’s an indication that you are an idiot.”
2. 300 Channels of Television: “How can you have 300 channels? No human being alive can figure out all of these channels. There just isn’t that much interesting shit in the world. We survived on three channels for 60% of our life, and there wasn’t enough interesting shit to fill three channels.” This related to the conversation about the live coverage of the draft.
1. Morley Safer Still Doing 60 Minutes: “Oh Jesus, look at the poor bastard! Doesn’t he have a family or something that tells him it’s time to go? Oh Christ, he was the best. This is awful. Change the channel.” I changed it to the NBA Draft.