Herein I Explain How To Play Mississippi Stud

Missippi Stud

Had tickets for the U2 Joshua Tree concert in St. Louis on Saturday night but it got cancelled because of the riots.  U2 concerts don’t matter, apparently.  The stone set in my eyes, and a thorn twisted in my side.  Well, by sleight of hand and a twist of fate, I got a call from Mr. Blue saying he was headed for the casino in Michigan City.  With nothing to win and nothing left to lose, Ava and I headed for that jewel on Lake Michigan, in the shadow of a nuclear reactor, to meet up with Blue. 

So I get there and Blue is into this table game Mississippi Stud, and teaches me how to play.  I lost my ass, but I was HOOKED.  I downloaded a Mississippi Stud app on the iPad machine, and was up all night Sunday deciding whether to triple up the odds on 3d, 4th and 5th street.  Since that abortion on Saturday night, I have played thousands of hands on the computer, and have figured out EXACTLY where I went wrong, and how I will defeat this motherfucker in the future, and by the future I mean in a week and a half when SeaDick, Irish Jesus, Mongo, Kool, Keckie, and allegedly Captain and Butthead, descend on Vegas.  So herein I give myself away, I give myself away, and describe how you too will defeat Mississippi Stud, like I will, in a week and a half in Vegas. Continue reading

Sunday Night’s Episode of Game of Thrones was OK I Guess

Alotta guys are out there saying that Sunday night’s episode of Game of Thrones was the best episode of television, ever.  Well, who am I to disagree?  It was awesome, no one can deny that.  And probably the only competition is the prior GOT episodes from past seasons with major battles, like when the wildlings assaulted the Wall, or the Battle of the Bastards, or Hardhomme, when the skeletons just rained down over the cliff and overwhelmed the Night’s Watch.  Those were awesome too, you guys.  I mean, in that battle for the Wall, you had giants riding in on fucking MAMMOTHS, which are extinct, the last time I checked.  People forget that.  

So yea, I’m not going to quibble over which of the GOT battle episodes was best.  I will admit I had a rager pointing north the entire battle scene with the dragon and the Dothraki’s and Bronn manning the ballista.  But I do have a couple of complaints, because I don’t think the battle was realistic.

SPOILER ALERT, obviously, dumbass.

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Top X Greatest Songs Ever

Top 10 Songs

Like I said a couple weeks ago, I gotta break my blogging slump.  Tried to get back in the groove a couple weeks ago, but work and life sometimes interfere with our true calling.  Started a couple blogs on Trump and fucking Republicans, but that is just going to create controversy, and I certainly don’t need any more of that in my life.  So here’s an easy one, and something we can all agree on—the Top Ten Greatest Songs EVER.  Not exactly breaking new ground here, but since it is a list, in order, and covers the greatest songs EVER, it automatically qualifies for Premier Blog status.  Can’t really argue with that logic.

Actually, although the Top 10 songs are pretty obvious, I suppose reasonable minds could differ on the ORDER of the Top Ten.  And maybe there is some gray area as to the 10 spot.  Hotel California really should be on the list, and I expect to catch holy hell for its exclusion.  Oh well.  That is what premier blogging is all about.

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A Lot of Guys are Team Husband on this Divorce and it is Hard to Disagree

Harry

LINK  – A New York developer is willing to give up half of his $2 billion fortune just to end his messy divorce case — and he can’t stop laughing about it.

“As soon as this divorce is over, I’m getting remarried,” he declared after a hearing into his breakup with his spouse of 58 years, who has thus far not agreed to his offer of a 50-50 financial split.Developer Harry Macklowe, 79, was in a joking mood outside a Manhattan civil courtroom Tuesday as he talked about handing his wife, Linda Macklowe, a cool $1 billion so she will sign legal papers freeing him to be with his younger French gal pal.

The giddy real estate mogul then launched into an impromptu comedy set for reporters, telling a string of “Take my wife — please”-style jokes straight from a Henny Youngman routine.

The act included several long quips such as this one:

A husband has been giving his wife incredible pleasure, beyond her wildest fantasies, for 30 years of marriage. But they always have sex with the lights off. One night she gets curious, leans over and flips the light switch on. She is shocked to see that her husband is using a vibrator on her. “I knew it, you jerk, explain the vibrator!” she says. “Explain the kids!” he says.

First off, I would like to go on record and declare that I am normally Team Wife.  Seen this scenario a thousand times.  The husband and wife have been together for decades, with him bringing in the cash, and her at home raising the kids and being a MILF.  Then, at some point, he feels like she doesn’t appreciate all his hard work and sacrifice for the family.  Coincidentally, around this time, he just so happens to get some much needed attention from a young secretary or whatever.  Meanwhile, the wife may have a few wrinkles (or not, if she is getting those $1800 Botox injections), but she is still taking care of things at home and looks damn good in the yoga pants.  Regardless, like your president does every decade or so, the husband kicks the older broad to the curb in exchange for the newer model.  That is usually where I come in, to comfort and console all those rejected 40 something MILF’s out there in their time of need.  So naturally I am Team Wife, 9 times out of 10 anyway.   Continue reading

2016-17 Monkey with a Gun Premier Blog Playoff

Bracket 1Bracket 2

Welcome to our premiere Monkey with a Gun Premier Blog Playoff, wherein we will decide the championship premier blog of the 2016-17 season!  32 of our blogs have been divided into four categories–Bro Stuff, Babes, Music and Sports–where they will compete for your vote to decide the overall champion.  Cast your votes here, or click on the bracket above to be directed to the voting website, where you can also click through to read the Top 32 2016-17 Premier Blogs.

Voting will take place starting NOW, with the champion decided next Monday night at 8:00 p.m.  Voting closes on each round at the following times:

Round of 32 – March 29 at 8:00 p.m.

Sweet Sixteen – Friday, March 31 at 8:00 p.m.

Elite 8 – Saturday April 1 at 8:00 p.m.

Final 4 – Sunday, April 2 at 8:00 p.m.

Championship – Monday, April 3 at 8:00 p.m.

Good Luck, and may the most premier blog win!

Website here if links won’t work:  https://showcase.votion.co/bracket/b40505fc-1325-11e7-ba3a-029f9751820b 

 

 

I Took the Asshole Test and Passed with Flying Colors!

Asshole test article

A woman I know just posted a link on the Twitter machine to the above article, link here.  The article, found on the famous “Your Guide to Love and Relationships” website http://www.LovePanky.com, purports to inform the ladies whether they are dating a complete jerk, and provides a convenient 10 point checklist of assholery.  Although it is not outside the realm of possibilities that she is talking about someone else, let’s assume for the purpose of analysis she is talking about ME.  So, let’s TAKE THE TEST.  Feel free to play along at home. Continue reading

Would You Rather Fight 100 Duck-sized Horses, or One Horse-sized Duck?

I’ve been doing my gob damnedest to avoid watching, talking about or even thinking about the Gorsuch Supreme Court confirmation hearings going on this week out of fear of losing my gob damned mind.  This is of course the Scalia seat, that was President Obama’s constitutional right to fill.  Rather than a reasonable moderate in Merrick Garland, we now have a staunch conservative who won’t answer questions about whether he will overturn Roe v. Wade and protect corporations over people, because of course he will.  Well, you know what else he won’t answer?  Whether he would rather fight 100 duck-sized horses or one horse-sized duck! Continue reading