Ted Cruz Doesn’t Know the First Goddamn Thing About Nicknames, is a Dork

The shitshow that is the Republican primary race definitely escalated after my last blog on the subject.  See here.  A day or so after Trump tweeted the picture comparing his smoking hot wife to Cruz’s decent looking wife, the National Enquirer came out with an expose on Ted Cruz’s five mistresses.  Cruz blamed Trump, and then everything went nuts over the weekend.  Good times!  So many ways to go with this story, but here’s my hot take.  Ted Cruz is a dork who doesn’t know the first goddamn thing about nicknames.

The day the National Enquirer story came out, Ted Cruz went nuts, blaming Trump, calling it a tabloid smear, denying everything, blah, blah, blah.  But the funny part to me in all this was that Cruz tried to give Trump a nickname over it.  Cruz is clearly not a guy’s guy, because he knows nothing about how nicknames are given, how they develop, the proper part of speech for a nickname (noun, not adjective), or really anything about nicknames.  Just an absolute nickname idiot.

As shown in the video, Cruz whines about the Enquirer story, then he says:

Donald is fond of giving people nicknames.  With this pattern, he should not be surprised to see people calling him “Sleazy Donald,” because that is his first and last resort to go to sleaze and ignore the truth.

Let’s break this down.  

First, if you are trying to give someone a nickname, you don’t announce it.  You just start calling the person by the nickname.  Repeatedly.  Until it sticks.  If he was going with “Sleazy Donald,” which was a mistake to start with, then just call him “Sleazy Donald,” over and over.  “Sleazy Donald” planted this story!  “Sleazy Donald” knows about mistresses, that’s for sure!  “If you are a moron racist, then vote for ‘Sleazy Donald'”!  Etc., etc., etc.

You absolutely cannot tell everyone that you are trying to give someone a nickname.  That’s just lame, and you look like a damn fool if it doesn’t stick.  And then Cruz doesn’t even call him “Sleazy Donald.”  Cruz says that Trump “should not be surprised” when OTHER people call him “Sleazy Donald.”  Man up, Cruz!  If you want him labeled “Sleazy Donald,” then you better have the nutsack to be the first to call him that, and without equivocation.  Jeesh.  So lame.

And then there’s the attempted nickname “Sleazy Donald”.  Really?  That’s the best you can come up with.  You know damn well Cruz and his paid staff of even dorkier dorks worked on this little tirade, and THAT IS THE BEST THEY COULD DO??  Come on.  If going with the sleaze angle, so many better names they could have come up with, like:  “Scum Devil,” “Scumbrag,” “Sleaze Bucket,” “Sleazeball,” “Sleazo,” “Sleazel,” “Trumbag,” “Scump,” “Weasel,” “Sleazstack,” “Sleazus,” “Mr. Trumpasleazadicious,” “Sleazeburger,” “Sleazeberry.”  The list is damn near endless, and those are just a few I came up with in about 5 seconds.

Or how about this, if you are new to the nickname game and can only think in terms of adjectives and the guy’s name–“Tabloid Donald.”  I don’t even like that one that much, but that might resonate, and probably would stick.  Tag the bastard with it.  “Tabloid Donald” did this, “Tabloid Donald” said that, over and over and over.  At the next debate, say “I don’t agree with Tabloid Donald’s interpretation of the Federal Reserve’s numbers, etc., etc., blah, blah, blah.”  You know, sneak it in there.  Repeatedly.  That one might have legs.  But what do I know.

Well, whatever.  Probably no hope for this dork.  None of these guys are in George W. Bush’s league, that’s for sure.  W might have done 9-11, crashed the economy, failed to get OBL and let NOLA drown, but damn he was the absolute GOAT on nicknames.  Respect.

Finally, I would be remiss if I didn’t report this little tidbit.  After Cruz went on one his little hissy fits when Trump called his wife an ugly hag, the MSNBC smoke Hallie Jackson absolutely ragdolled him with one question.  Right to his face.  Gotta watch the video below.  What a wuss.


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