Well, I did it again last night. I’m not much of a cook, if we are being honest with one another. I’ve been trying for the last couple years (long story), but all I can cook is stuff from Blue Apron, bad chili and doughy, asymmetrical pizza, and then maybe. But even worse than my cooking are my “knife skills,” which I didn’t even know was a “skill” until IJ sent me a video. Well, my so-called knife skills are awful. I regularly take a chunk out of my hand trying to cut shit up, which is by far the hardest part of cooking, in my view. Last night it was the tip of the ring finger on my left hand while cutting raw chickens. A few weeks ago it was the side of the pinkie on my right hand on what experts call a “mandolin.” Well, whatever you call it, it took the side of my damn hand off and I spent the evening in the emergency room getting a $1,500 band-aid and a tetanus shot, and then only after Jake demanded to know whether I was “going to the emergency room or cook those damn steaks.” Priorities, I guess.
What frustrates me is that I have been using serious power tools for 20 years without so much as scratch. I’m not talking about baby shit like drills and jigsaws. I mean the really dangerous tools like routers, table saws, planers and miter saws. No issues, ever. But in the kitchen, I’m a bloody mess. Literally.
Well, whatever, all this led me to consider whether cooking is even worth it. Some of the best restaurants in the city are only a block away. And, how much do I actually value my fingers, and do I value some more than others. For example, the third finger on my left hand hurts like hell right now, but honestly, not that crucial of a finger, all things considered. I could live without it.
But if I did fuck up so bad that I actually lose a finger, which one would I want it to be? Anyway, here is my list of digits ranked in order of importance.
1. Right index finger
Clearly, actually literally, the number one finger. Definitely need this one above all others. Need it for pointing, pushing buttons, moving little things around, etc. Especially needed in conjunction with #2 . . .
2. Right thumb
Need that right thumb to work with the right index finger to pick things up, and drink a beer without assistance. Keeping the right index finger and thumb above all others.
3-5. Other three fingers on the right hand
I’ll lose all the fingers and thumb on the left hand before the fingers on the right hand. Just a good idea to keep a fully operational right hand, which will come in handy in all manner of situations, like when the Cubs win. Can’t high five without all fingers and a thumb. That’s just math.
6. Left index finger
Keeping that left index finger for the same reasons I kept the right one. Plus then you can point east or point west, up or down, etc.
7. Left thumb
Same concept here. Now you can pick things up on both sides, and carry two beers around so you can keep up with IJ.
8. Left pinkie
Now it gets tough. I’m keeping the left pinkie over the last two mainly because I also have a left nostril.
9. Left ring finger
Hardest choice on the list between the last two. But I am keeping the left ring finger mainly for sentimental reasons. Probably won’t need it, but hey, it served its purpose for 22 years without fail.
10. Left fuck you finger
When Trump’s jackboot goons torture me to find out where I’m hiding the “illegals,” if they give me the option, they can take the left fuck you finger. What am I really losing, other than the ability to fly the double freedom rockets, and there will be no freedom anyway, so why bother.
Monkey With A Gun 