Several hundred fans of the Monkey With a Gun blog have written in to note that all of the songs on the new feature “Lost Tracks” had something to do with blondes.  First, it was Concrete Blonde, and then yesterday, 4 Non Blondes.  My first thought was, that’s ridiculous, yesterday had absolutely nothing to do with blondes because the 4 Non Blondes are “NON Blondes.”  How could a NON blonde have anything to do with blondes?  Does NOT breathing have anything to do with breathing?  Is it me?  It’s them, right?

Well, whatever.  I want to assure everyone that this was entirely accidental, with no malice or forethought on my part.  The last couple days I just picked a couple songs from the early 90’s that had been “lost,” in my view.  Total coincidence that both bands had the word “blonde” in their name.  

At the same time, I am nothing if not self aware.  Maybe it was unconscious.  I have been blogging like 24/7 for the last two weeks and had no dates in all that time.  No Tinder swiping, no Bumble, nothing.  If you doubt that, as Kid Rock said, you can check my stats.  Fire blogs, one after another, for two solid weeks since Super Bowl weekend.  No way to date when you are living the blog life, doing the hockey thing and driving back home last night to see Purdue kick the shit out of Northwestern.  

My subconscious may have other ideas, though, I recognize that.  Maybe it is trying to pull me back in.

Whatever it is, let’s just go with it.  

So I’m renaming this new feature “Blonde Tracks,” and we will use blondes to get us through the next couple weeks of the worst time of the year.  Everyone knows this is a terrible time of the year.  Absolutely the worst.  And what better way to get through a tough time than to spend time with blondes.  

No matter how good the year was up to this point, even if your team won the Super Bowl, now everything sucks.  The weather sucks, the days are short and everything is just pretty much dismal.  We just have to get through this for the next couple weeks, and then we can start filling out our brackets, planning for Spring Breaks and getting hammer drunk on St. Patrick’s Day.  If you attached electrodes to my boy parts and increased the amperage until I named a time of year that sucked more, you would short out before you heard anything useful.

Since we are going with blondes by definition, let’s go with the obvious choice–BLONDIE.  This girl OWNED IT!  Deborah Harry didn’t pretend that her blonde hair wasn’t the source her success, or try to be “non blonde.”  She was ALL blonde, ALL day.  “Goddamn right my hair is blonde, and my skirt is short too, can you handle it?!?!” I don’t know that Deborah Harry actually said that, but I bet she did at some point.  

Watch the video.  Blondie doesn’t even do anything.  She just stands there and lip syncs and waves her scarf around.  But that is the point.  She doesn’t have to, because she is so beautiful.  She doesn’t have to wave her ass around like Beyonce, or even sing that well.  All she has to do is stand there and be beautiful with her flowing locks of beautiful blonde hair.  Some women can get away with that.  Blondie certainly could, and she damn well knew it.  

Once she had a love and it was a gas, but soon she found out, she had a heart of glass.

I absolutely do not want to do this, but I guess I have to see.  Where is Deborah Harry now?  Let’s check the internets.

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Spoiler alert.  You can log off if you don’t want to know.

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Wonder if she can still not sing?