Just Run the Damn Race. Jeesh.

Just run the damn race already

Two police officers in Atlanta were arrested last week when they got in a fight, and one of them pulled a gun, over who would be faster in a foot race.  I’ve had this exact same argument many times with 9, 10 and 11 year old boys and, for the record, was never beaten in the race to the outfield fence and back to the dugout.  I stopped doing that when they turned 12, though, and not because a couple of them might have been faster than me by then. No, I stopped because having foot races with other guys is childish and at some point in your 40’s you have to start acting like it.  Plus you might take a header into the pavement, and how would you explain that.

So the obvious hot take on this situation is, of course, RUN THE DAMN RACE.  No need for fisticuffs or gunplay.  That’s obvious, right.  But I don’t think that was the real issue here.  

The issue wasn’t whether they were going to run the race (they were), the dispute had to have been over the DISTANCE of the race.  This is obvious from looking at the mug shots.  Tyer, on the left, is wide receiver fast.  A top speed kind of guy.  Probably runs a 100 yard dash in under 10 seconds, but with a slow reaction time and no acceleration.  Green, on the right, is running back fast.  All acceleration and quickness.  Probably does a 4.2 40, and can run through a brick wall head first, but always gets caught and dragged down from behind after breaking into the open field.  

Clearly, after deciding to race each other, Tyer and Green couldn’t agree on the distance of the race.  Green probably said, “Ok, first one to that squad car over there wins.”  Tyer objected, saying “No, no, lets go all the way around the building, and first one back here wins.”  Green was then probably like, “Fuck that, let’s get this thing done.  I ain’t running around the building like a damn fool.”  By this time, a crowd had probably gathered, and they were taunting the guys, placing bets (Green was a 2:1 favorite), and just generally stoking the flames and increasing the tension.  So now neither guy can back down, Green is mercilessly taunting Tyer and calling him a pussy, Tyer gets so pissed he tells Green he is going to “punch him in the face,” Green says “step up, mother fucker,” Tyer thinks maybe that wasn’t the smart play because Green has 50 pounds on him and is a known badass, so he goes for the gun…and then everyone remembers they are police officers and cooler heads step in and defuse the situation.  I’m not saying that Tyer got tazed at that point, because I wasn’t there so how would I know.

Anyway, this absolutely needs to be resolved, and the race needs to be run.  But they need to do two races, with a tie breaker in the event that they split.  First they run Green’s short sprint, then Tyer’s longer run.  If they split, they find a big rock, and whoever can heave that thing the farthest (three attempts, alternating) WINS.  Simple as that.  No need for fists or guns to resolve this dispute.  That’s how Jake and I resolve situations like this.


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