I’ve been doing my gob damnedest to avoid watching, talking about or even thinking about the Gorsuch Supreme Court confirmation hearings going on this week out of fear of losing my gob damned mind.  This is of course the Scalia seat, that was President Obama’s constitutional right to fill.  Rather than a reasonable moderate in Merrick Garland, we now have a staunch conservative who won’t answer questions about whether he will overturn Roe v. Wade and protect corporations over people, because of course he will.  Well, you know what else he won’t answer?  Whether he would rather fight 100 duck-sized horses or one horse-sized duck!

Politics aside lest I go mad, this is a great question, and one I am ashamed to admit that I have never heard!  Really gets the brain working overtime to figure this one out.  Nothing better than having a super chill Bud Light at the bar and debating important issues such as these with the likes of Mongo and the crew.  Ranks right up there with “How many 10 year olds could you take if they came at you one at a time, once every minute,” or “What’s the biggest land animal you could kick to death.”  The important questions of our day!  Well, I’m no pussy, and am ready, willing and able to weigh in on whether I would rather fight 100 duck-sized horses or one horse-sized duck.

First, when answering important questions like this, you have to ask some questions, to show that you are thinking things through.  Most importantly, I think, would be what the goal of the fight is?  Are you just trying to escape, or do you have to kill/immobilize the one huge duck, or 100 little horses?  I assume you have to kill the adversary(ies).  Can the huge duck fly?  I assume not, because the bigger a duck gets the worse it is at flying.  Can the little horses swarm you all at once?  I assume so, or what’s the point?  Is the huge duck mean, or does it just want some bread?  What is the arena for the fight?  An open field, a forest, a building?  Are you allowed any type of weapon?  I assume not, but can you improvise from your surroundings?  One and/or all of these can change the preference for whether  you want to fight 100 duck-sized horses or one horse-sized duck.

Well, there are no answers in this life or the next, and you gotta work with the information you are given.  I think that is kinda the point, if you really get thoughtful on the subject.  So, given that, I’m fighting the horse-sized duck, and that’s the correct answer.  Alotta guys out there saying they take the 100 little horses, which is wrong.

The main reason you want the big duck is because you can’t handle 100 little horses.  Hell, 100 duck-sized ducks would be tough, but now they are horses.  They can kick.  They can bite.  They can run as fast as a, well, as a horse.  You lose your footing in that contest and it is game fucking over, with 400 little horse hooves bashing in your skull.  Can’t run away either because horses are so damn fast that a grown man will wager good money on how fast they are.  

Ducks, on the other hand, are soft.  Plus they are uncoordinated, and fat, and have a long neck with bird bones that you can snap.  They don’t even have teeth.  And ducks are stupid, because they are birds.  Don’t care how big the duck is, I think I can take him.  So I’m definitely fighting the one horse-sized duck over the 100 duck-sized horses.  Not even close.