I Took the Asshole Test and Passed with Flying Colors!

Asshole test article

A woman I know just posted a link on the Twitter machine to the above article, link here.  The article, found on the famous “Your Guide to Love and Relationships” website http://www.LovePanky.com, purports to inform the ladies whether they are dating a complete jerk, and provides a convenient 10 point checklist of assholery.  Although it is not outside the realm of possibilities that she is talking about someone else, let’s assume for the purpose of analysis she is talking about ME.  So, let’s TAKE THE TEST.  Feel free to play along at home.

#1 He thinks that flaws of other people should be discussed and laughed at. You hardly notice it when people do this, because it comes out as a joke. When you look past the surface, however, you’ll see that it’s just someone being mean for the sake of cheap entertainment. Go way deeper, and you’ll see that he’s just harboring some pent up insecurity that he takes out on other people.

Ok, yea, I’m guilty of this one.  She got me here.  I will point out the flaws of others for the sake of a laugh, and sometimes that is in poor taste.  I’m a funny guy, if I do say so myself, and the flaws of others are a great source of material.  But I can cross the line on occasion, like when I was making fun of Trump’s kid.  Well, whatever, she got me here.  

Asshole Score:  1

#2 He changes his tune when someone more dominant disagrees with him. One of the most annoying traits of assholes is their inconsistency. They think that they’re right most of the time, but when a fiercer alpha male defies them, they end up whimpering, with their tail tucked between their legs.

Definitely NOT GUILTY on this one.  I don’t change my tune with ANYONE in any situation, even when I probably should.  This is well documented.  I have a long history of pissing off bosses and saying things I shouldn’t have, but hey, that’s just me.  I do think I am right most of the time, but have never whimpered or ran off from an argument.  Not an asshole on this point.

Asshole Score:  0

#3 He criticizes you unnecessarily. “Why are you wearing this? Why do you schedule your day like that? Isn’t it time to get your hair cut?” There are so many ways a person can be criticized. Assholes just make it more of a habit than anyone else. When someone criticizes you for things that don’t bother you, like your sense of style or your harmless routines, you better get out of there fast, because this person is trying to change you, and not necessarily for the better.

I don’t do this.  I have never criticized a woman for what she was wearing or her sense of style.  If I didn’t like it I wouldn’t be with her in the first place.  Not applicable.

Asshole Score:  -1

#4 He points out that he likes women who are nothing like you. The simple statement, “You know, I like women who are…” is loaded. When an asshole starts to describe someone who doesn’t look, act, or think like you in any way, he’s trying to push you into transforming to fit his preference. No one should have to put up with that—which is why when a guy starts that sentence, you should politely, but emphatically excuse yourself from his life.

I like women who are hot, blonde and over 40, preferably with names that end in “A”.  This is known.  Having said that, I would not and have not pointed this known fact to women who were not hot, blonde and/or over 40.  Plus the smoke who posted the above article is definitely hot, blonde and over 40, so this wouldn’t even apply to her anyway.  

Asshole Score:  -2

#5 He never works to make you orgasm. He either finishes too soon, doesn’t engage in foreplay, or lets you do all the hard work…every time. When a guy is inept in bed, there’s still a chance that he could learn something if you work together. The way an asshole approaches sex, however, is based on the “me, me, me” concept. Even if you ask him to do something more, he’ll rarely stick to it, and will quickly revert to his selfish bedroom habits.

The most inapplicable item on the list!!!  Not even going to address it.  Giving myself TWO negative asshole points on this one because it is so inapplicable.

Asshole Score:  -4

#6 He’d rather talk about himself. Getting to know an asshole is pretty easy; he will constantly talk about himself, and rarely let you get a word in edgewise. You may think that he’s getting to know you when he asks questions, but those mostly lead to his own experiences or thoughts on a subject. Basically, if you start to feel like a sounding board, the guy you’re talking to is probably an asshole. [Read: 10 signs you’re dating a self-obsessed narcissist]

I could go either way on this one, because yea, maybe I like to talk about myself.  I am really interesting, and have some great stories.  But I am also a GREAT listener.  Just really attentive, with profound follow up questions to show that I care.  And I can’t say that I would “rather” talk about myself.  This one is a wash.

Asshole score:  -4

#7 He doesn’t ask what he did wrong and blames you immediately. When you reject a guy like this, it won’t be pretty. They usually don’t listen to your reasons or even let you explain yourself at all. They will blame you for the deterioration of your “relationship,”and will even go so far as to rub it in your face. The musician brand of asshole is particularly lovely; just wait for him to post a song about how a girl ruined his life and wah, wah, wah.

I don’t do this.  I always let a woman explain herself, if she wants, and never blame anyone if a relationship doesn’t work out.  As my good buddy Tex says, “When a relationship ends, it is no one’s fault.  It just blows up.”  Can’t blame anyone for that.  So not guilty on this one.

Asshole score:  -5

#8 He avoids you when you’re feeling bad. When you ask your partner to console you, and he’s not responding or even acknowledging that you’re in trouble, he’s probably a jerk. A big one, at that. The most basic thing you need to provide in a relationship is support. Work and other obligations might overshadow small matters, but it’s not too much to ask for a shoulder to cry on at the end of the day. [Read: 21 signs of emotional abuse you may be overlooking]

I don’t think I am guilty of this one, but let’s think it through.  I am definitely there for a woman, and ready to console her, when she is feeling down.  Really good at that, actually.  Having said that, when a woman is being a bitch, I will avoid her.  Not going to deny that.  And she may be being a bitch because she is feeling bad, and lashing out because of it.  Regardless, I’m going to avoid her.  Not sure which way to go on this one, so let’s call it a wash.

Asshole score:  -5

#9 He boasts about how he is with other girls. There’s a difference between a humble brag and an actual brag. Assholes lean more toward the latter. They will not hesitate to tell you how they made other girls swoon or scream or whatever, just so they can prove that they’re manly enough for you. That’s not the kind of review that you can trust, anyway; you’re better off asking the girls themselves—and they’ll all tell you the same thing: he’s an ass.

I don’t think I do this.  No need to talk about past relationships.  But, yea, maybe I do occasionally bring up that one relationship.  The one that lasted 23 years and ended with the cancer.  Probably guilty of that on occasion, so I will count this one against myself to show how reasonable I am.

Asshole score:  -4

#10 He doesn’t think that your needs matter. This is probably the most subtle way an asshole can get away with being a shithead. You ask for something reasonable *like his time*, and he’ll say yes and try to provide that for a while. Sooner or later, however, the same old pattern will resurface and you’re back where you started. You keep asking and asking, and he occasionally tries to give whatever it is, but puts in little effort and groans. You shouldn’t have to ask for your needs to be met again and again. He needs to give willingly, without considering your needs a burden. [Read: 10 signs to recognize selfish people and 5 steps to walk away]

Ok, I can be a little selfish with my time, and time with my kids, and sometimes my friends.  I’m sorry, but I am not going to apologize for that.  I have kind of gotten set in my ways the last few years, doing whatever I want, whenever I want to do it.  “Answering to no one, listening to few,” as they say.  Probably guilty of this one, if we are being honest with one another.  Score it a plus 1 on the asshole scale if you must.  

Asshole score:  -3


So there you go.  I took the asshole test and I passed with flying colors.  Not only am I NOT an asshole, but actually 3 to the good on the non-asshole scale.  Not breaking any records, I know, and I’m sure they won’t be making any “The Notebook” type movies about me, but pretty good I think.  If you don’t agree, there’s the door.  

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