“As soon as this divorce is over, I’m getting remarried,” he declared after a hearing into his breakup with his spouse of 58 years, who has thus far not agreed to his offer of a 50-50 financial split.Developer Harry Macklowe, 79, was in a joking mood outside a Manhattan civil courtroom Tuesday as he talked about handing his wife, Linda Macklowe, a cool $1 billion so she will sign legal papers freeing him to be with his younger French gal pal.
The giddy real estate mogul then launched into an impromptu comedy set for reporters, telling a string of “Take my wife — please”-style jokes straight from a Henny Youngman routine.
The act included several long quips such as this one:
A husband has been giving his wife incredible pleasure, beyond her wildest fantasies, for 30 years of marriage. But they always have sex with the lights off. One night she gets curious, leans over and flips the light switch on. She is shocked to see that her husband is using a vibrator on her. “I knew it, you jerk, explain the vibrator!” she says. “Explain the kids!” he says.
First off, I would like to go on record and declare that I am normally Team Wife. Seen this scenario a thousand times. The husband and wife have been together for decades, with him bringing in the cash, and her at home raising the kids and being a MILF. Then, at some point, he feels like she doesn’t appreciate all his hard work and sacrifice for the family. Coincidentally, around this time, he just so happens to get some much needed attention from a young secretary or whatever. Meanwhile, the wife may have a few wrinkles (or not, if she is getting those $1800 Botox injections), but she is still taking care of things at home and looks damn good in the yoga pants. Regardless, like your president does every decade or so, the husband kicks the older broad to the curb in exchange for the newer model. That is usually where I come in, to comfort and console all those rejected 40 something MILF’s out there in their time of need. So naturally I am Team Wife, 9 times out of 10 anyway.
Gotta make an exception in this case. Team Husband all the way on this one. First off, Harry isn’t screwing over the wife financially. He’s got $2 billion. Said he would give her $1 billion. If my math is right, and it always is, that’s about half, which seems fair. The money, however, is not the only factor. People forget that. Gotta consider the intangibles.
The obvious issue her is that Harry, 79, is punting his wife Linda of 58 years for a younger and (relatively) hotter 62 year old French blonde named Patricia, who they probably call Trish. Trish sounds like alotta fun, which probably burns Linda’s ass to no end. So Linda wants her pound of flesh, and $1 billion dollars just ain’t gonna do it. I get that. Linda deserves some pay back.
But here’s the thing. Harry is a funny guy. I mean, not like Seinfeld or SNL funny, but pretty damn funny for a 79 year old guy. He likes telling his jokes, and he wants hilarity to ensue when he unleashes one of his killer tales. No shame in that game. Not an unreasonable request to have some laughs in this life or the next. Well, Linda was having none of that shit.
He griped that his wife — who is an art-loving trustee of the Guggenheim Foundation — never laughed at his wisecracks.
You see, that is the entire issue right there. It wasn’t the young(er) hot blonde girlfriend, nor the billions of dollars at stake. SHE DIDN’T LAUGH AT HIS JOKES. Look at this harridan:
I bet she hasn’t laughed since electricity was invented, let alone laugh at Harry’s tall tales. I am sure she has a great art collection, but is absolutely no fun whatsoever. And really, that’s all a guy wants sometimes. I don’t care how old you are or how many buildings you have built, some us just want to have some laughs, and on the regular. That is not too much to ask.
So, everything else being equal, I gotta go Team Husband on this one.
And one last point and then I’m outta here. Harry’s vibrator joke is the classic type of joke for his generation, and by that I mean guys over 70 (as opposed to my generation of guys in their 40’s and 50’s). Guys my age tell the “Dad Joke,” which I think may be a pejorative, but fuck ’em. Like last night at the movie there was a scene where they were digging a grave with a shovel. I lean over to Danger and say “The shovel was one of the greatest inventions ever.” He looks at me like, “yea, so?” “Ground breaking,” I say. He could barely maintain the decorum necessary in a movie theater.
In contrast, the older guys will unleash these long stemwinders that involve a lengthy set up to get to a “punch line.” You know, like a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar, blah, blah, blah, on and on and on. Almost more of a story than a joke. My Uncle Jim was the master. Every time I would see him, it would be something like “Did you hear the one about the 70 year old, the 80 year old and the 90 year old who went to the doctor?” Always amazed me that for the 40 some years I knew him he was always coming up with new ones, and that was before the internets. If Aunt Kate had not laughed at his jokes, which she did, often and a lot, I’m sure he would have hit the road too.
So like I said, Team Husband on this one, for the laughs.