LINK – A New York developer is willing to give up half of his $2 billion fortune just to end his messy divorce case — and he can’t stop laughing about it.
“As soon as this divorce is over, I’m getting remarried,” he declared after a hearing into his breakup with his spouse of 58 years, who has thus far not agreed to his offer of a 50-50 financial split.Developer Harry Macklowe, 79, was in a joking mood outside a Manhattan civil courtroom Tuesday as he talked about handing his wife, Linda Macklowe, a cool $1 billion so she will sign legal papers freeing him to be with his younger French gal pal.
The giddy real estate mogul then launched into an impromptu comedy set for reporters, telling a string of “Take my wife — please”-style jokes straight from a Henny Youngman routine.
The act included several long quips such as this one:
A husband has been giving his wife incredible pleasure, beyond her wildest fantasies, for 30 years of marriage. But they always have sex with the lights off. One night she gets curious, leans over and flips the light switch on. She is shocked to see that her husband is using a vibrator on her. “I knew it, you jerk, explain the vibrator!” she says. “Explain the kids!” he says.
First off, I would like to go on record and declare that I am normally Team Wife. Seen this scenario a thousand times. The husband and wife have been together for decades, with him bringing in the cash, and her at home raising the kids and being a MILF. Then, at some point, he feels like she doesn’t appreciate all his hard work and sacrifice for the family. Coincidentally, around this time, he just so happens to get some much needed attention from a young secretary or whatever. Meanwhile, the wife may have a few wrinkles (or not, if she is getting those $1800 Botox injections), but she is still taking care of things at home and looks damn good in the yoga pants. Regardless, like your president does every decade or so, the husband kicks the older broad to the curb in exchange for the newer model. That is usually where I come in, to comfort and console all those rejected 40 something MILF’s out there in their time of need. So naturally I am Team Wife, 9 times out of 10 anyway. Continue reading
The Sweet 16 finalists are in for the MWAG Premier Blog Playoff! Click on the bracket above to vote for which blogs make it the Elite 8. This round ends at 8:00 Friday night. Continue reading
Welcome to our premiere Monkey with a Gun Premier Blog Playoff, wherein we will decide the championship premier blog of the 2016-17 season! 32 of our blogs have been divided into four categories–Bro Stuff, Babes, Music and Sports–where they will compete for your vote to decide the overall champion. Cast your votes here, or click on the bracket above to be directed to the voting website, where you can also click through to read the Top 32 2016-17 Premier Blogs.
Voting will take place starting NOW, with the champion decided next Monday night at 8:00 p.m. Voting closes on each round at the following times:
Round of 32 – March 29 at 8:00 p.m.
Sweet Sixteen – Friday, March 31 at 8:00 p.m.
Elite 8 – Saturday April 1 at 8:00 p.m.
Final 4 – Sunday, April 2 at 8:00 p.m.
Championship – Monday, April 3 at 8:00 p.m.
Good Luck, and may the most premier blog win!
Website here if links won’t work: https://showcase.votion.co/bracket/b40505fc-1325-11e7-ba3a-029f9751820b
I take the position that if you are going to name a guy an honorary member of your String, then you Gob damn well better be ready to provide some regular updates of his antics. Hearing no objection, I will take John Daly. Someone else can pick up Bill Murray. Continue reading
A woman I know just posted a link on the Twitter machine to the above article, link here. The article, found on the famous “Your Guide to Love and Relationships” website http://www.LovePanky.com, purports to inform the ladies whether they are dating a complete jerk, and provides a convenient 10 point checklist of assholery. Although it is not outside the realm of possibilities that she is talking about someone else, let’s assume for the purpose of analysis she is talking about ME. So, let’s TAKE THE TEST. Feel free to play along at home. Continue reading
I’ve been doing my gob damnedest to avoid watching, talking about or even thinking about the Gorsuch Supreme Court confirmation hearings going on this week out of fear of losing my gob damned mind. This is of course the Scalia seat, that was President Obama’s constitutional right to fill. Rather than a reasonable moderate in Merrick Garland, we now have a staunch conservative who won’t answer questions about whether he will overturn Roe v. Wade and protect corporations over people, because of course he will. Well, you know what else he won’t answer? Whether he would rather fight 100 duck-sized horses or one horse-sized duck! Continue reading
Seems like everybody is banging robots these days. In honor of this technological and sexual achievement, I have prepared this premier blog wherein I designate (in order, per usual) the Top 10 Hottest Robots. Continue reading
As previously reported here, I spent the morning protesting against the protesters at Planned Parenthood, and by “spent the morning” I mean I walked by and told them that god isn’t real and that they just made him up to make themselves feel better. Since my lawful protest of the protesters, I have been subjected to endless harassment and criticism in my own home, including allegations that I am intolerant and a bigot, that my camera skills suck ass, that I wear a “uniform” consisting of “mom jeans” and Adidas, and that I was unfairly “harassing peaceful ,God fearing Christians.” This harassment and criticism OF ME, which is clearly unconstitutional, must be abated forthwith. Continue reading
Since many people get their fake news from the MWAG, I am putting you all on notice that Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow today. As if things couldn’t get any worse, that supposedly means 6 more weeks of winter. Great. Continue reading
I woke up to a bunch of congratulatory texts today–feels like my birthday!! So excited. Just a great day to be an American! Congradulations President Trump ,and please tell those masons you got lined up along the Arizona border to commence building of the wall! What a great day for white people. Free at last! Continue reading