We have some new bloggers at the Monkey with a Gun Blog lately, and I, for one, could not be happier. Seriously! The only thing better would be if Fergie and Erika Eleniak were leading a yoga pants protest down my street. I don’t want to be the only person on here casting stupid ideas into the darkness. It gets lonely, you guys. You need others in the mix offering their random and useless thoughts to get your own random and useless thoughts flowing. Steel sharpens steel, am I right?
But at the same time, you gotta have standards. I’m sorry, but I won’t apologize for saying that. When other guys have entered the arena, being the premiere blogger that I am, I have offered some constructive criticism on some blogging basics. Not because I know everything, but because I know something. Make lists. Page break that shit. Include a picture. You know, really basic stuff.
Well, this advice has not been well met. Some people think blogging should be a “safe space,” where grown men’s feelings should be protected and nurtured, as if they are a 5 year old at their first soccer game where they fell down and cried. No matter what the new blogger writes, they should be celebrated and congratulated. Really?
Well to hell to with that shit, you guys. Is blogging in a new category, where ball busting is off limits, unlike golfing, making pizza and who I date? Well, not on my watch. So buckle up bitches, and get your legal pads out, because here is Idyt’s Guide to Blogging Basics for Basic Bloggers.
Learn it. Know it. Live it.
1. Blog for Me One Time, Will Ya
Ridiculous I even have to mention this. First rule–ya gotta blog. You can’t think about it, or threaten it, or say you have some good ideas. You have to blog it. Looking at you Angry. Get off the fucking dime and start typing. As Mongo said, “It ain’t that hard.” As for starting off, he’s 100% dead on balls accurate. But it gets more complicated. Read on.
2. Keep Blogging
Ok, once you blog, you gotta blog again. And then again, and again, and again the next day. Don’t be a Dexys Midnight Runners for me one time. Looking at IJ on this one. IJ’s blog was great, and I read every word and appreciate that, but it left me wanting more. And don’t get me wrong, if that’s all you got, we should give it premiere billing in the manifesto section. But we need more blogs.
We need IJ on that wall every day, or least every few days whenever he finds an internet gem like the Irish guy who died “from Stubbornness, Whiskey.” How the fuck do you not blog that? All you had to do was link to the article and acknowledge that you and Chris Connors were separated at birth. Pretty much writes itself.
And that’s the thing, if you find something interesting, all you have to do is link to it, write a couple sentences, and off you go. I’d appreciate seeing that, only because one of you idiots thinks it is funny, so I likely will too. And then we have it memorialized forever. Don’t overthink it. Just post it. Content. Content. Content.
3. A Picture Helps Tell the Story
Looking at Mongo on this one. Mongo has been blasting one fire blog after another over the holidays. Just great stuff. Really insightful observations of everyday life from both America’s, and a heartfelt tribute to an American Hero with a great nickname. But, I would have been remiss if I didn’t point out that it needed a picture, so I did, which was not well received. Well, whatever, it was one of the best blogs ever written on this site or any other, and I saw a way it could be even better. That’s just the way I think when I care about something.
Blogs need pictures, or videos. That’s just a fact in 2016. Without a picture, its like we are on AOL in the 90’s. And it ain’t that hard. Save a jpeg and click that plus sign with a circle around it at the top of the page and you are down. Not exactly rocket science. We can be better, that’s all I’m saying.
4. Make a List, and Number it in Order
SeaDick and I have been going round and round on this one for awhile, but I still say the numbered list is a sin qua non of blogging. You can’t say here’s the best of anything without going the extra mile and listing them in order, picking the best and/or the worst. That’s pretty much why the internet was invented, to make lists like that. I could give a thousand examples but I’m tired and want to go to bed, which is the enemy of every premiere blogger.
5. Page Breaks are Just a God Damn Common Courtesy
See that little symbol above. Find a good spot in your blog after the first paragraph or two and click that little symbol. Otherwise, your blog (or manifesto), takes up the whole god damn blog, and we gotta scroll through the whole god damn thing to get to the next one. Self awareness dictates that you give people an out if they don’t want to read the whole god damn thing, or if they have already read it, they aren’t scrolling through the whole god damn thing whenever they are on the site. That’s just god damn common courtesy, you guys.
6. Pick a category
If you don’t want your blog lost in the shuffle after about a week, you gotta give it a category so we can find it on the separate topic pages. That’s on the upper left under “Categories & Tags.” Most stuff you are going to write about will fit in one of the categories, or if not, just click Bro Stuff. Otherwise it will likely be lost forever after a week or so. Just a heads up.
7. In Conclusion
So In Conclusion, those are the Blogging Basics for Basic Bloggers. After I get some rest I may provide an advanced list for Premiere Bloggers, on topics such as Headlines, Obscure Cultural References, Call Backs, Irony and The Humor in Acting Like You Know Everything When Blogging.