I’ve been getting a lot of mail (and one death threat) over my disparagement of the Winter Olympics, which some people take very seriously, apparently. Well, I would like to sincerely apologize from them to me, and the apology is definitely NOT accepted. The Winter Olympics still suck, and here is further proof. Continue reading
As everyone agrees, this is the absolute worst time of the year, this time after the Super Bowl and before baseball starts. Nothing to do except work, which studies have shown make you a dull boy, or so they say. And if it couldn’t get any worse, you also have to contend with Valentines Day, which is a real holiday, not something just made up by Hallmark, but it still sucks anyway. Plus there is nothing good on TV because Game of Thrones won’t be back for like five years, and you already watched all of the Black Mirror episodes the first 6 hours they were on Netflix. If you do turn on the TV, there is nothing on but fucking Trump and the lying liars in the White House, or guys in tights trying to see who can be a millionth of a second faster to get to the bottom of a hill. Think about it. Why else would they hold the Winter Olympics at this time of year? Obviously its because everything sucks, and there is nothing else to do, which improves their ratings. Continue reading
If I gave you one hundred guesses of the jobs I have held, you would never get this one. Hell, I could give a thousand guesses. If you guessed busboy, waiter, camp counselor, bartender, salesman, engineer or lawyer, you would be right, at least at some point in time. But there is one job I had that you would never guess. Not in a million years. Continue reading
So here’s another Blonde Track to help us get through the worst time the year, that time after the Super Bowl until the Wednesday before March Madness starts when I head for Vegas. Nothing at all to do during this time of the year, and if you do find something to do like go to the Purdue-Michigan State game tomorrow, you have to cancel because the National Weather Service has declared all travel “difficult to impossible.” FML. Continue reading
As background, the following is something I wrote for a podcast written and produced by some fellow Second City students. Not everyone knows this, but Second City is actually a comedy university, not just a place to go see a show. You can take classes on a wide variety of comedic subjects like improv, stand up, writing, acting, etc. I’ve taken a few writing classes over the last couple years, and last summer took a class called “Writing the Humorous Memoir.” That was fun, so I went on to the next class. After that, I was asked to be a part of a new podcast that was starting up called “Personal.Disclosures.” The podcast includes others, like me, from Second City telling stories about their lives. The first podcast will be out in a month or two, so stay tuned for info on that. I’ll post more of these, because why the hell not. Continue reading
Well, it is that time of year again. Time to fire up the blogging machine and post some songs by hot blondes to help us get through what is recognized the world over as the absolute worst time of the year. That time of year when football is over, and there are no good sports to watch until March Madness starts up in about six weeks. Absolutely nothing to recommend this time of year, that, not coincidentally, also includes Valentines Day, which everyone agrees SUCKS. Nothing worthwhile to do this time of year except hide in the basement, blog and try to keep warm. Continue reading
Seadick just hit me up to get some prop bets down on the “Big Game” tomorrow. I took tails, obviously, and he took the under on the National Anthem, thinking that P!nk’s claim that she got the flu is gonna speed things along. But then when we want to bet on some more, like what color shirt Belichick will wear, or what color of Gatorade gets dumped on the winning coach, we are kinda stuck. Neither of us is going to give the other the advantageous house odds, of course, so what the hell are a couple guys to do.
The problem, per usual, is translating published house odds into bro to bro odds, with no advantage to either side. Well that’s where I come in. I have scoured the Internets collecting odds, and then averaged and rounded the moneyline bets, removing the house advantage factor, and converting that to fractional odds that even idiots and young children can understand. If it was close, I just called it EVEN, or rounded up for the underdog, and moved on, because no reason to overthink it, or anything else, really. Finally, some odds I just made up if the math was too hard, if we are being honest with one another.
So, with those qualifications, the following are the 100% absolutely correct “Bro to Bro” prop bet odds for Super Bowl LII.
Apparently a person is ripped to shreds by a crocodile in North Queensland every three months. And we think we have problems.
While we all have been distracted by tax cuts and pedophiles, the Los Angeles city counsel is trying to ban house parties. Well, not on this bro’s watch. A fella by the name of Chad Kroeger, at least that’s the handle his lovin’ parents gave him, is taking a stand against the ban. I won’t say Chad is a hero, because what’s a hero, but sometimes there’s a man for his time and place, and that’s Chad Kroeger, in Los Angeles.
Chad Kroeger the house party enthusiast makes some great points. How else can a young man gain confidence if he doesn’t have the opportunity to shotgun a tall can of Bud Light in front of the whole squad at a house party? That’s what house parties do! What up counsel.
Had tickets for the U2 Joshua Tree concert in St. Louis on Saturday night but it got cancelled because of the riots. U2 concerts don’t matter, apparently. The stone set in my eyes, and a thorn twisted in my side. Well, by sleight of hand and a twist of fate, I got a call from Mr. Blue saying he was headed for the casino in Michigan City. With nothing to win and nothing left to lose, Ava and I headed for that jewel on Lake Michigan, in the shadow of a nuclear reactor, to meet up with Blue.
So I get there and Blue is into this table game Mississippi Stud, and teaches me how to play. I lost my ass, but I was HOOKED. I downloaded a Mississippi Stud app on the iPad machine, and was up all night Sunday deciding whether to triple up the odds on 3d, 4th and 5th street. Since that abortion on Saturday night, I have played thousands of hands on the computer, and have figured out EXACTLY where I went wrong, and how I will defeat this motherfucker in the future, and by the future I mean in a week and a half when SeaDick, Irish Jesus, Mongo, Kool, Keckie, and allegedly Captain and Butthead, descend on Vegas. So herein I give myself away, I give myself away, and describe how you too will defeat Mississippi Stud, like I will, in a week and a half in Vegas. Continue reading