“So how did Aunt Joan die?” I asked my Uncle Bud.
Strange that I didn’t know the answer to that, but I didn’t, so I asked. Uncle Bud, his real name is Albert, but everyone called him Bud, was my dad’s oldest brother. As the oldest brother, Uncle Bud was the patriarch of the family, at least since my grandpa had died in 1983. Continue reading
We are getting near the end, but still in that worst time of the year–after the Super Bowl when there are no good sports to watch and there is nothing to do except not get invited to a fancy cotillion where all your friends have a choice between beef and chicken and can spend $200 on a basket of tomatoes that isn’t even full of tomatoes because the bottom was fraudulently stuffed with paper. No worries, because I certainly have better things to do, like clean and wax the basement floor, which is oddly satisfying to me in ways that no one will ever understand. And having time to find that document that just might be worth millions, or maybe even hundreds of millions. Whatever. Life is good!
No better time than this to turn to the Blonde Tracks. So how about another tune from the goddess Dido. Great song here, and I don’t think she has ever been more smoking hot than in this video.
Alotta guys have texted me saying that Dido isn’t that hot, that her face is asymmetrical, and calling her a “Pipes 6.” Well, that is just mean, to both me and her. Fuck those guys. Team Dido all the way.
Here’s a recent Blonde Track to help get through the worst time of the year, which is right now, after the Super Bowl and before March Madness starts up.
Everyone is talking about Fergie’s rendition of the National Anthem the other night at the NBA All-Star game, and not in a good way. Apparently “real Americans” didn’t like Fergie’s version, and are pissing and moaning because she didn’t sing it exactly like they are used to hearing it. Continue reading
I’ve been getting a lot of mail (and one death threat) over my disparagement of the Winter Olympics, which some people take very seriously, apparently. Well, I would like to sincerely apologize from them to me, and the apology is definitely NOT accepted. The Winter Olympics still suck, and here is further proof. Continue reading
As everyone agrees, this is the absolute worst time of the year, this time after the Super Bowl and before baseball starts. Nothing to do except work, which studies have shown make you a dull boy, or so they say. And if it couldn’t get any worse, you also have to contend with Valentines Day, which is a real holiday, not something just made up by Hallmark, but it still sucks anyway. Plus there is nothing good on TV because Game of Thrones won’t be back for like five years, and you already watched all of the Black Mirror episodes the first 6 hours they were on Netflix. If you do turn on the TV, there is nothing on but fucking Trump and the lying liars in the White House, or guys in tights trying to see who can be a millionth of a second faster to get to the bottom of a hill. Think about it. Why else would they hold the Winter Olympics at this time of year? Obviously its because everything sucks, and there is nothing else to do, which improves their ratings. Continue reading
If I gave you one hundred guesses of the jobs I have held, you would never get this one. Hell, I could give a thousand guesses. If you guessed busboy, waiter, camp counselor, bartender, salesman, engineer or lawyer, you would be right, at least at some point in time. But there is one job I had that you would never guess. Not in a million years. Continue reading
So here’s another Blonde Track to help us get through the worst time the year, that time after the Super Bowl until the Wednesday before March Madness starts when I head for Vegas. Nothing at all to do during this time of the year, and if you do find something to do like go to the Purdue-Michigan State game tomorrow, you have to cancel because the National Weather Service has declared all travel “difficult to impossible.” FML. Continue reading
As background, the following is something I wrote for a podcast written and produced by some fellow Second City students. Not everyone knows this, but Second City is actually a comedy university, not just a place to go see a show. You can take classes on a wide variety of comedic subjects like improv, stand up, writing, acting, etc. I’ve taken a few writing classes over the last couple years, and last summer took a class called “Writing the Humorous Memoir.” That was fun, so I went on to the next class. After that, I was asked to be a part of a new podcast that was starting up called “Personal.Disclosures.” The podcast includes others, like me, from Second City telling stories about their lives. The first podcast will be out in a month or two, so stay tuned for info on that. I’ll post more of these, because why the hell not. Continue reading
Well, it is that time of year again. Time to fire up the blogging machine and post some songs by hot blondes to help us get through what is recognized the world over as the absolute worst time of the year. That time of year when football is over, and there are no good sports to watch until March Madness starts up in about six weeks. Absolutely nothing to recommend this time of year, that, not coincidentally, also includes Valentines Day, which everyone agrees SUCKS. Nothing worthwhile to do this time of year except hide in the basement, blog and try to keep warm. Continue reading
Seadick just hit me up to get some prop bets down on the “Big Game” tomorrow. I took tails, obviously, and he took the under on the National Anthem, thinking that P!nk’s claim that she got the flu is gonna speed things along. But then when we want to bet on some more, like what color shirt Belichick will wear, or what color of Gatorade gets dumped on the winning coach, we are kinda stuck. Neither of us is going to give the other the advantageous house odds, of course, so what the hell are a couple guys to do.
The problem, per usual, is translating published house odds into bro to bro odds, with no advantage to either side. Well that’s where I come in. I have scoured the Internets collecting odds, and then averaged and rounded the moneyline bets, removing the house advantage factor, and converting that to fractional odds that even idiots and young children can understand. If it was close, I just called it EVEN, or rounded up for the underdog, and moved on, because no reason to overthink it, or anything else, really. Finally, some odds I just made up if the math was too hard, if we are being honest with one another.
So, with those qualifications, the following are the 100% absolutely correct “Bro to Bro” prop bet odds for Super Bowl LII.
Monkey With A Gun 