Newark airport bar. Who would have thunk it?
It’s Cold Outside
Just a quick reminder that it’s cold out there. Might want to bring a hat and maybe leave a little trickle of water running in the bathtub or something.
Top 10 Cubs Games of 2016
SPOILER ALERT, but I think we all know what #1 will be. That one is easy. After that, not so much. Obviously, you don’t get to be World Series champs without some ridiculous performances on the field, and some blowouts of the first order of magnitude. Those games are always fun, but sometimes the close games in extra innings, or the walk off homer (or bunt?!?!), or the come from behind win, are even more memorable. And then there are games with great stories, like Chapman’s arrival, walking Harper six times in one game, and games where, to be honest, a lot of guys were out there questioning Maddon (not me, Probie, Gramps nor Seadick, but some guys were). And then you had the POSTSEASON! Obviously these games were MUCH more important than any regular season game.
How would one even attempt to consider all these factors and name the Top 10 games, let alone IN ORDER?? Well, that’s what premiere blogging is all about. You’re welcome. Continue reading
Viral Alert – Girl With No Legs?
Given my oath to keep everyone informed when something is going viral on the Internets, the picture above is the latest thing driving people outside their minds. What the hell is going on here? Someone is missing a pair of legs, and damned if I can tell if it is girl #2, or girl #3. Is the picture even real, or photoshopped? All kinds of theories floating around out there. Click “read more” to find out the truth, or don’t, your call. Continue reading
SeaDick’s Best Albums of 2016
Alright Monkey fans, I know what you have been saying “SeaDick, where’s the rest of your Best Albums of 2016? For fuck’s sake, it can’t consist of just four albums and it’s almost 2017!” Mea culpa. No excuses, just an apology and the rest of the list. [Sidenote: I am sure all the smart readers out there have noticed that these posts have been styled as a “Best of” and not a “Top XX.” So Mr. “Premiere Blogger,” you are just going to have to try to figure out the difference. Only a moran, would insist on ranking everything. It doesn’t always have to be a zero sum game you guys. That’s why we have all those meaningless college bowl games. One last digression as well, Pipes keeps describing himself as a “premier” blogger. I’m going to let my man Inigo Montoya speak out on that:
Alright enough of the digressions. Without any further ado, here are the rest of my best albums of 2016 in alphabetical order (because if you aren’t ranking them, they should be alphabetical so that people don’t think they are out of alphabetical order for a reason. This is known); Continue reading
Idyt’s Guide to Blogging Basics for Basic Bloggers
We have some new bloggers at the Monkey with a Gun Blog lately, and I, for one, could not be happier. Seriously! The only thing better would be if Fergie and Erika Eleniak were leading a yoga pants protest down my street. I don’t want to be the only person on here casting stupid ideas into the darkness. It gets lonely, you guys. You need others in the mix offering their random and useless thoughts to get your own random and useless thoughts flowing. Steel sharpens steel, am I right? Continue reading
Pell City Cracker Barrel
I was driving from Atlanta to Birmingham. GPS projected that I was going to be late, and I desperately needed a toilet. Then I saw the sign that said “Welcome to the Central Time Zone.” And just like that, I had time to spare.
I passed the Talladega Superspeedway. I have good memories of the Superspeedway, but I had a train in the station, and my trains run on time. I pulled off of Interstate 20 at the Pell City exit and recklessly navigated the Cracker Barrel parking lot, bypassed the rocking chairs and weaved my way through the peppermint sticks and the Jesus CD’s to the hostess station. The nice thing about your Cracker Barrel is that everything – including the shitter – is in exactly the same place in every store.
The morbidly obese hostess in her Holly Hobby dress nicely asked – “just one today sugar?” I told her yes, but that I needed a minute. Knowing where I needed to be, I took a confident step in the direction of the consistently located Cracker Barrel Men’s Room. She casually placed her left hand on my left forearm, and said “here you go baby, you look like you need this.” She then gave me a used copy of the USA Today. Now I am not a germ nut, but it did occur to me that this scene had likely played out a few times already that day with some of the men of Pell City. Nevertheless I tucked the McNewspaper under my arm, and glanced at it while I made room for “Grandpa’s Country Boy Fried Breakfast”. I can’t for sure say that was the name of the breakfast, but that is exactly as I remember it, so that is how I have to tell it. It was a great overall experience.
Handing the paper back to Holly I wondered if I had ever had it so good. It is amazing what getting a little extra time and a soiled copy of the USA Today can do to turn a day around. If you happen to be in Pell City – accept my condolences – and stop by the Cracker Barrel.
Your President is Making Appointments based on how People Look and No One is Surprised in the Slightest
They are out here saying that your president Donald Trump rejected John Bolton as Secretary of State because he didn’t like his mustache. I may surprise some people with this hot take, but I’m with your president on this one. That mustache is awful. A man can’t make good decisions about what happens on the world stage if he can’t make good decisions about what happens on his own face. Continue reading
Idyt’s Top 10 TV Shows of 2016
In the year that was 2016, I actually wasn’t entertained that much. Well, the election entertained me for 5/6 of the year. And then I got my head dashed against a brick wall. So yea, other than Cubs games and the World Series, it has been a a dreadful, awful year. In between the disappointments and misfortunes, I have retreated to the darkness, and stared at that “black mirror,” as it were. To salvage some positive from those hours of wasted time, here are my top 10 TV shows of 2016. Continue reading
Twitter Guessers Aren’t Real
If you want to be internet famous, and who doesn’t, all you gotta do is Twitter predict some wildly improbably event with uncanny specificity, and then have that wildly improbable event actually happen, specifically as you uncannily predicted. If you can do that, you will go viral on the Internets, the secret dream of everyone these days.
The latest Nostradamus is @FanuteGod who tweeted back in April that the Giants would go 11-5 and only lose to the Eagles, Redskins, Steelers, Vikings and Packers. Assuming the Giants beat the Redskins next weekend, this prediction will be dead on balls accurate. The odds of predicting the Giants’ EXACT win-loss record, and who they would lose to this season, are somewhere between the odds of IJ not drinking a beer today and Gramps ever voting for a Democrat, and by that I mean damn near impossible. Continue reading
Monkey With A Gun 