“This One’s For Mom” was Best Super Bowl L Commercial and It Wasn’t Close

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I don’t watch the commercials during the Super Bowl.  I know it’s a thing, but that is the time to load up the plate, go get another beer or project some combination of unfortunate events that would lead to you winning the squares at the end of the half.  I catch up on the commercials on the internets on Monday when I’m not going to be that productive anyway.

So I missed this one during the game, and that is probably a good thing.  I don’t know what it has to do with Campbell’s soup, but Budweiser’s lost puppy didn’t have much to do with beer either, I guess.  And it sure beats the hell out of minute long constipation ads, Super Bowl Babies, abortions by Dorito and whatever that Baby Monkey Puppy thing was.

This one has it all.  I’m a sucker for the “life goes by in a flash” concept to start with.  Then you throw in this kid who probably doesn’t have much except football, who has his ups and downs, and ends up playing for the Packers.  All in 45 seconds.  

Through it all, there is his mom, cheering him on.  Yep, this one’s for mom.  Now where is my crying towel.  

 

Top X Power Ballads

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Power Ballads album cover

So I’m on the internets yesterday researching my Super Bowl prop bets like any normal person, and I run across this collection of Power Ballads, mostly from 1988 to 1991.  I of course head right straight down that rabbit hole.  Next thing you know, I’m crying like a little girl and singing along with Bon Jovi, “I’ll be there for you, these five words I swear to you.”  I’m not saying that Trish and I were singing those words back in 1989 while driving around in a red Trans Am with the T-Tops out, but I’m not saying we weren’t either.   Continue reading →

Super Bowl 50 Prop Bets

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ladygagacam superman
Having been duly appointed Communications Director by someone with the apparent authority to do so, and with the enumeration of certain rights not being construed to deny or disparage other rights retained by the people, U.S. Const. Amend. IX, I hereby declare and decree that the following future uncertainties shall be the official Prop Bets for Super Bowl 50.

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Stenson sucks! (unless he makes this 7 footer for Eagle)

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I have long held the belief that when I am rating something the choices should be one or zero. When I go to the doctor and they show me the pain chart I always say 10 – why the hell would I be sitting in a veritable petri dish of horrible infectious disease unless the pain was a 10? When I rate my Uber driver, it is a 1 or a 5. Who thinks about it enough to give someone a 3? If the ride was fine, you give the driver a 5. If it sucked, it’s a 1. Anything else is ridiculous.

I find that this principle has carried over into many aspects of my life. The principle is embedded into the title of this rant, which is actually a text I received from one of the other degenerates who (very occasionally) contributes to the backbone of this blog – which is a group text string of immature idiots with golf obsessions. He purchased Stenson in a Calcutta (if you don’t know what a Calcutta is this is not the blog for you – you might be looking for something about real monkeys), then asked me to purchase a portion of his share of Stenson in the Master’s. We are now a “team” of sorts in that we have a mutual interest in Stenson doing something exceptional at the Master’s. Of course, it would have been handy to know that Stenson has diarrhea so bad that food is going through him like water through a fucking squid, but whining about that now gets me nowhere.

If Stenson misses the Eagle, then he’s a zero. If he makes the Eagle, he’s a 10 (at least in that moment). Stenson sucks – he missed the putt.

Are you a pussy?

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We can probably all agree that Ann Landers was a seriously disturbed bigot.  She once advised a troubled teen that if he had ever wondered if he was gay he almost certainly was.  This is obviously ridiculous advice. God knows how many people are living the gay lifestyle today because of that column. It would be wrong, however, to completely condemn her methodology.  For example, if you have ever asked yourself the question “Am I a pussy?” – you almost certainly are.

Ten Signs of the Impending Apocalypse According to my Dad

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10. Live Draft Coverage: “How the f%^k is it that there is live coverage of the NBA Draft? What is wrong with these people? You have to buy a ticket for this? Change the channel.” I don’t think that my Dad’s comments are limited to the NBA Draft. We just didn’t want to tell him that the NFL draft is televised as well.

9. Women with Tattoos: “Sweetheart, hang on, let me look at your arm. Have you thought about what this is going to look like at age 65? It’s not going to be good. What if you ever decide to get a real job?” The waitress in question was incredibly patient with him. I slipped her $40 to try to make it right.

8. Participation Medals: “Why do they have a ceremony for this? They could have given you that when you paid the league fee. Everybody is a winner until life slaps you right in the face. We are raising a generation of … I don’t even know what they are.”

7. Co-Ed Golf Events: “Why do they even want to play with the men? It’s no fun for anybody. And, if they want to play with the men, at least play from the same tees. Who set this up? I guarantee his wife runs the show.”

6. Piercings: “The only thing I can think of to justify putting that in his nose is that he is so pissed off at his parents that he can’t function. Look at it – bulls have things like that in their nose. I should go and yank it right out. He would thank me later.” He did not yank it out.

5. The Internet (part 1): “No I wasn’t aware I could order the pizza online. I just want to order a f$*king pizza. No wonder the internet is so slow.”

4. The Internet (part 2): “They want me to put my credit card information in the computer. Fuck that – I read the paper – I don’t want some jackass in the Middle East using my credit card to get his internet porn. I’m going up to Home Depot. You got any cash?”

3. Personal Communication Devices: “I just wanted to have a nice dinner with my grandkids. Look at all of you – every single one of you is looking at your phone. I hope for all of you that you never have to get a job where you need to talk to people. LOL isn’t a word. It’s an indication that you are an idiot.”

2. 300 Channels of Television: “How can you have 300 channels? No human being alive can figure out all of these channels. There just isn’t that much interesting shit in the world. We survived on three channels for 60% of our life, and there wasn’t enough interesting shit to fill three channels.” This related to the conversation about the live coverage of the draft.

1. Morley Safer Still Doing 60 Minutes: “Oh Jesus, look at the poor bastard! Doesn’t he have a family or something that tells him it’s time to go? Oh Christ, he was the best. This is awful. Change the channel.” I changed it to the NBA Draft.