Viral Alert – Salt Bae

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I made some steaks and Ore Ida shoestring fries last night without cutting off any parts of my hand (nbd).  When serving this feast, The Savage started tossing salt all over the fucking place like a damn weirdo, much to everyone’s amusement and cheers of “SALT BAE!!!”   Caught unawares, per usual, I demanded to know what the hell “SALT BAE” (pronounced “bay,” means “before anyone else”) meant.  Well, apparently we have a hot new thing on the Internet streets, a guy many are out there saying is the first Internet sensation of 2017.  So it is my sworn duty to report it.  More video below. Continue reading →

Let’s Hold Off On the Pussy Grabbing for a Couple More Days People

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pussy-grabber

In an incident that echoes Donald Trump’s “pussy-grabbing” controversy, a Republican politician has been arrested and charged with sexual assault after an altercation with a woman ended with him grabbing her crotch.

Christopher von Keyserling, a 71-year-old member of the Representative Town Meeting in Connecticut (a form of local government), is accused of insulting and then assaulting a staffer during a disagreement over none other than Donald Trump himself.

According to local media, the arrest warrant alleged von Keyserling responded to the woman’s comment that it’s “a new world politically” by telling her “I love this new world, I no longer have to be politically correct.”

The conversation descended into name-calling, and von Keyserling followed the woman into her office where he allegedly reached between her legs and “pinched her groin area”.

I’m sure the Libtards will be making a BFD about this minor incident ,and blaming it on President Trump, like he was there urging Mr. von Keyserling on and telling him where to grab this old biddy.  Well I’m about 110% sure our president wasnt their ,so you can’t blame this on him ,but the lamestream media will anyway.  Plus, Trump was very clear that he gets away with grabbing ’em by the pussy because “I’m a star.”  If you aren’t a star, then you aren’t going to get away with it, at least not until Trump abolishes all of Obama’s socialist regulations next week. Continue reading →

Happy General Robert E. Lee Day

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robert-e-lee

Lots of people dont even know this because of the communist liar retard communist liberal libtards ,but today is officially General Robert E. Lee Day ,people.  Yea ,thats right ,dont listen to the bullshit about that other made up Hallogram holiday.  Today is General Robert E. Lee day!  Recognized in all of the states that matter including Bama, Arkansas, Missississippi and my home the great state of Florida ,today we celebraish the birthing of the greatest and most winninest general of all time General Robert Edward Lee (aka Bobby Lee, although never to his face).   Continue reading →

Enter Sandman

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neil-gaiman-new-sandman

I ,the Sandman ,would like to be the first to welcome me ,the Sandman ,to the Monkey With a Gun Blog.  The bros don’t call me the Sandman because I like the beach ,because I don’t like the beach much if yous can’t drive on it.  No they call me the Sandman because I put to people to sleep.  Used to be that I put people to sleep on the football field ,but that was before that new pussy rule bout leading off with your noggin ,which is why God put your feet on one end and your spine splitter at the other, if you ask me.  Theseadays ,other than that incident at Shooters in Logansport a couple years ago (he asked for it) ,I put pussy libtards to sleep with my hot takes on politics ,and not from boredom ,but from the rightedness of my views ,many of which come directly from the Lord God Almighty Himself ,who is white.

Yea ,I said PUSSY.  A couple times.  So does our president.  You don’t like real talk? Fuck you ,theres the door.  Hit the bricks pal because you are going off.  Coffee is for closers.  (Alec Baldwin from the sales guy movie. Whatta actor.)

Enough bullshit, because I’m sicka this shit and gotta write.  Hit da music.

You People Saying that Sports Stars Should Just Shut Up, Should, Well, Just Shut Up

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The Cubs went to the White House today and it looks like a good time was had by all.  Rizzo wore his Ron Burgundy jacket, and Theo gave the Prez an official pardon for being a Sox fan, as well as a W flag to fly at the future presidential library in Chicago.  The Cubs also presented our president with a lifetime admission pass to Wrigley, which he noted was “NON TRANSFERABLE.”  Lots of laughs all around, and a nice Chicago sendoff for President Obama in his last week in office. Continue reading →

These Sheep Can Play for Me Any Day

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I feel like sheep get a bad rap, am I right?  I mean, sheep are on the shitty end of all the parables and sayings.  The wolf, sheep and sheep dog story is told in all the war movies, and being the sheep is clearly the worst option.  “You can shear a sheep many times, but kill him only once.”  Real nice.  The “So many sheep, so little time” bumper sticker that Satan made up back in the 90’s was so wrong on many levels, but especially from the perspective of the sheep.  Political followers on both side of the aisles are always called sheep, unlike the thoughtful individuals who give deep, considerate thought to all the issues, and then vote Republican every time.  The list just goes on and on.  Plus its gotta suck getting herded all over the place with a dog nipping at your ass every day.  Sheep life has just gotta suck.  Well, these sheep got some payback, and good for them.  Probably will be a 15 yard penalty on that list hit, but it was worth it.  Team sheep on this one.

And Herein I Present the Greatest Story Ever Told About a Scholar Who Gets to Class on Time

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Alotta guys out there saying that 80% of life is just showing up.  That may be true, but there’s another 20% to work with, and I’m gonna split it evenly between showing up ON TIME and being able to tell a great fucking story.  Well this dude DR[sigma]W gets a 100% on that scale.  Shows up, on time and tweets out the play-by-play when another guy shows up and the “Brady Bunch” asks DR[sigma]W to give up his seat.  It’s like a Seinfeld episode with racial overtones, and by racial overtones I mean the scholar DR[sigma]W turns it into a hilarious racial situation.  And if you don’t think this is hilarious, well, you might just be a Trump voter.

“I won’t say a hero, cause what’s a hero?  But sometimes there’s a man for his time and place.” – The Stranger, The Big Lebowski   Continue reading →